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Creating intimacy. - by TimC

How do you know whether you have true intimacy with your partner?  Let me first give you my definition of intimacy. Most people tend to connect intimacy only with  sex.

Intimacy is when two people create an environment where there is a true heart to heart connection.  Their Souls seem to almost merge into one being.  They feel a sense of peace, harmony, balance and unconditional love for their partner and when they are in their partner's presence.  There is no battle of ego's, no need to win, manipulate or control.  There is an inner awareness that all is well with the world.  That 'I am where I am supposed to be and I am now with the person I am destined to spend my life with.'  Intimacy is not just a feeling, nor is it just knowing.  It is a divine connection with another person.   It is a spiritual connectedness.

Intimate relationships can be between a man and a woman.  Two people of the same sex. Two friends. Siblings. It can also be present in a relationship of a large group.  On several occasions during my long speaking career I have had the pleasure of having a truly intimate relationship with my audience as a whole. We connected and flowed.  It wasn't about me, my material or them. It was about something bigger than all of us.  When many people think of intimacy, they tend to think only of sexual intimacy.  Although sex between two people who have achieved a high level of intimacy can be a wonderful experience.  I am not referring to sex as a form of intimacy.
Let's take a brief look at a few of the issues that prevent true intimacy in a relationship this will help you determine where you can take corrective actions or develop new behaviors so you can experience a greater sense of intimacy in your relationships.

 1. A lack of trust, respect or acceptance of the other person.

2. The fear of rejection.

3. A fear of letting yourself be who you really are.

4. A lack of self-love and or self-acceptance.

5. Letting your ego control your feelings, emotions and or attitudes.

6. An un-safe relationship.

7. Old emotional baggage on either person's part.

8. A lack of self-trust.

9. Needing to protect yourself from invalidation by the other person.

10. Suppressed emotions like anger, frustration, blame or guilt.

11. When one or both people are under a great deal of stress.

12. When there is an emotional disconnect between one or both partners.

Intimacy is generally one of the first things to leave a relationship that is in trouble.  It is close on the heels of trust, respect and acceptance.  Can intimacy be re-kindled once it has been lost or is leaving a relationship?  I am sure that there are many people who have been able to regain this valuable state in a once troubled relationship.  However, generally speaking once a person goes over the edge or the line between intimacy and no intimacy generally I believe that it is next to impossible to re-capture these feelings and emotions.

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